acquaintance, activity partner, friends in condition, good friends, and best friend.

weird things about living in the world surrounded by tons of people,
we can still feel lonely.

you might know lots of people,
hanging out, spending most of our times with them,
yet we're still unsure what are us to them, vice versa.

acquaintance, is the one we know, barely speaking,
say hi sometimes, and whatever they're dealing with, we just don't give a shit.

activity partner, a bit more than that,
we know em, we spend some times together, say hi each time we passed by, but still what they're dealing with, IF it's nothing to do with us, we just couldn't care less.

friends in condition, one level higher,
mostly come as a group of people, we spend most of time together, pleasants you, sometimes feel the same way we feel, basically they know what's happening around us, sharing most of info with us, cause they live in the same environment with us, anyway. and when we got a fight, rather be exiled or exiling one. 

then good friends,
the one who's on our side when we got exiled. end of discussion.

last,
the best friend,
might not find this much, might not be the person you see everyday, or spend most of your time with, might not be the person who tells you what you want to hear, even they will tell you that you're gaining weight, or how bad is your haircut, but they're telling you the truth, they don't lie to you, and they still love you with all those facts. it's the one you can tell, "I had sex with my boyfriend last nite" and live not to tell anybody about that. you might not have them around everytime, that sometimes you just forget about them. they are the one who doesn't give a damn about how bad your breathe is in the morning, how your dress doesn't fit, or how you snore when you sleep. they're the ones who wants to spend their weekends watching a cheesy comedy in your room when you're broke while the others hang out in the club. they're the one who will listen to your boring story about how your boyfriend dumped you, even when you're telling them the same story for the three hundred fifty four times. they're the one who let you cry out loud on their shoulder, and slap you right in the moment for you to wake up and move on, hold your hand, and walk with you together when you fall apart. they might not be the one who makes you laugh, or know the most happening things around you, but when the other stepped away, and you look back, they might be the one left.

so, who are we really?


:)

31 May 2009 at 01:15,

in a long of true friends.

Goodbye is the new Hello!

Sometimes in life, there are many things we couldn't understand.
like, why the sun rises in the east and goes down in the west, or how the birds can fly.

Ok, maybe there are significant scientific explanation of those things.

but some things, like what's been running on my mind lately,
why should we meet, when in the end we have to say goodbye?

waving hands, wiping tears, and say goodbye is the hardest thing to do in life.
sometimes we just don't want to let go.

but the thing is, we won't know what we had, til it's gone,
the value of togetherness, the memories, won't be that precious if we don't have the chance to look back and recall.

I won't realize that i miss your stupid jokes, if i hear them everyday,
I won't realize how much i want to see your silly face, if i meet you everyday,
I won't realize such a great partner you are, if you never leave me alone dealing with my problems without you.

and the weird thing is I won't realize how much you mean to me, if you're not leaving.

sometimes i'm tired, being the one who stays, watching people come and go,
thinking that they'll have a new friends, new environments, new life.
but i just forget something, well so do I.
I just have to move on.

well well well, 
it's not that i'm not scared,
it's not that i'm ready,
but the thing is we're never ready to say goodbye,
we just have to.

maybe I won't find the best wingman in the world after you,
the one who's always on my side when i'm in trouble,
or the one who can cook as good as you,
best teammate to play basketball with,
the one who listen to the shit i say,
the one who hands me tissues when i cry,
maybe i won't find the one who can tell your best jokes that can make me rolling on the floor laughing,
or the one who rocks the dance floor like you do,

but it can be an excuse for us,
to just stop a while in our busy life,
when you're not here by my side,

to remember the day we used to hide in the back and smoke,
and the time we watch porn and laugh until we cry,
the day we cheated on the test and not getting caught,
the day you cut your hair wrong and we make fun of it,
the day we used to worry about the dress we wear to the club,
and how our make up didn't rock it,
our shoes didn't fit,
the day we were young and drunk,
the day we were high and dry,

the priceless moment we had, the things to remember, and to tell to our children,
of what we used to have together.

so, I guess, this time,
I'll stand in the same place again,
where i should wave and stay,
seeing all of you spread your wings,
and waiting for my time to come,

and one day, when we're all old and live our own life,
we will look back to today,
and we will understand,
it's not about how long we've known each other,
it's about the tears and laugh,
the joy and the pain we've been through together,
not the quantity of time, but the quality of time.

so that you know, you're precious to me, and you're irrepleacable,
and our journey's just begun,

I'll meet you one day,
when we're all old and wise enough,
to look back and laugh to the silly things we did,
to the time when my skirt's too short, and your tops shows too much boobs,
when your heel's too high, and my hair's a mess.

and by that time, we'll know,
the meanings of our tears today,
when we stand and see you leave with your oversized suitcase.

so CHEERS,
for the new starts, new beginning to our new life,
and by the time we said GOODBYE, we say HELLO to the future in front of us.

see you when I see you!

:)

11 June 2009 at 01:22.

the story that never told.

This isn't a story about him,
nor you and me,
this is story about the feelings,

it's not the story about princess and their prince charming,
nor the one with the happy ending,

it tells about the wind that blown today 4 o'clock in the morning,
about the leaves those fall,
about the things never told,

the story about times those never come back,
the story about that smoke out of the 4x5 dormitory room,
about the laugh, the tears, the fall, and rise, 
about the sun, the moon, the sky, blue and grey,
about the face behind the makeups, 
the soul behind those clothes,

it's about all that ever happened,
the walls of that old school building tells me nothing,
neither do the trees and the birds,

the young boy that day, 
an adolescent,
sincere and pure,
his heart's like the empty sketchbook,
waited to be filled with lots of dreams,

then she comes,
with her smile on a sunny day,
her hair buns smells like the fresh coffee in the morning,
her breathe, her skin,

he couldn't bear,

she was full of dreams,
of what she's seeing the world as,
the way she talks,
about what's it's gonna be,
the boy found what's he's searching for,
to wrote the first piece on his page,

the girl,
young, only 17,
her life,
has just begun,
she wants to be different,
and yes she is.
she didn't think of anything else,
she just wanna spread her wings,

the boy,
place his heart in the wrong harbour,

the girl didn't care,
not that she meant it,
she's just 17,

the boy,
obsessed,
and scared,
that the girl will run away,
fly, with her new grown wings,
as far as she can,
to the place, he couldn't reach,

and she did.

time goes by,

the girl,
in her new world,
obstacles,
breakdown,
turned her into something she was not.
she's grown up,
ripe and ready to be picked from its tree,

she met a man,

the one she never thought of she'd fall for,

the man,
mature,
independent,
know what he wants for life,
he seemed to have it all.

the smell of a reality,
like the drugs
strong,
convincing,
seductive,
addictive,
yet comforting.

and she become obsessed,

he didn't care,
not that he meant it.
he's an adult,

deja vu,

and the story goes,

she's sitting in a dark cold night,
that corner,
the one that boy used to sit in,
the place,
anxiety,
worries,
nervous,

now she feels what the boy used to feel,
she breathes the same air the boy used to breathe,
the sweat on her palms,
the boy used to have it,
the tears,
the boy used to cry them,

we don't know how the story ends,

not yet,

it won't,

and the time goes by....



based on my absurdity,
Tuesday, June 16th 2009, 5:26 am - Bridge Cafe, in my first cup of Americano and Light Jazz.
first breath to the brand new day,
with thoughts and love,
Shasta Klara Kristi.

Desperation part I: "The Addiction"

This kind of feeling is bad,
i'm not sure what's it,
it's like getting your heart broken, but worse..

this time it hurts,
in a uncertain absurd way.
when I cry everytime I heard those songs,
because it reminds me of what I used to have,
it's not that bad anyway,
rather good actually,
but it just hurts even more.

when everything's left just the traces and remains of the past, 
the shirt you used to wear, i could barely feel your smell, 
the old songs you used to sing,
i could barely hear your voice,
the road we used to walk together,
i just forgot where it led us to..

It's not that I don't wanna move on,
I just want to feel you for one more time,
the smell of your skin,
and your hair shining, it radiates under the sun,
the eyes that looks deeper than the sea,
I just want to feel you for the last time,
watching your back leaving in a slow motion,
fighting with my desire to hold,
i couldn't bear,
yet i don't have the courage to see you for the very last time.

I'm afraid I'll cry,
if I see your face saying goodbye,
yet I'm still crying even now, 
just you don't have to see the tears,

Sometimes I just want you to miss me,
even just for a lil bit,
to know that you feel that way for me too,
but the other time,
I just want you to be okay,
great just as you are,
cause I want you to be happy,
I don't want you to suffer the pain i'm feeling now.

sometimes it hurts to know that you're all fine without me,
meanwhile i'm dying running out of you,

how am i supposed to sing my songs, when they all tells about you,
said that you're all i want to hear,
all i want to feel,
all i want to breathe,

you're like a drugs for me,
i know it hurts, yet i'm addicted to you.

I don't know what i'm feeling for you,
i never have this kind of feeling before.
it's like an euphoria after drugs, and the pain i couldnt even scream anymore, 
If this is what they called after falling in love,
then I don't want to fall anymore,
cause it hurts me so bad this time,
who knows if it will kill me the next time?

Friday, 03rd July 2009
1:14 AM,
cold cold floor, KLIA,
between the pain and long.

Farewell : "Til We meet again!"

The clock's ticking fast,
Our breathe's short and rush,
For my tears have running dry,
I could just scream in silence,

This cup of tea is getting colder,
leaving couple of pages to help me go through the night,

words left behind, unspoken,
glancing through piece of photograph,
the memories inside seemed to undermine me,
like a rush of blood to the head,
it got me down and petrified.

Remember that day?
I've told you long time ago,
that these things are not going to end,
we met, we laughed, we held on fast,
and then we say goodbye.

it happens everytime.
We just can't hide.

What I want to tell you now,
is not how bad I feel about the sun's still shining,
or the bird's still singing the same old songs,
while I'm crying my hearts out.

I want to tell you that,
the life goes on,
it moves on,
and so do us.

But the feelings,
the memories,
of what we had in this chapter of our life,
what I remember about you,
will still be your gaptooth smile, and the way you make us laugh,
or how you'll still be bald, and let me tell you my friend, you'll never lose weight if you still eat like the way you did,
the way you always worry about how you look, and what people think about you,
and God knows why you care that much to be number one,
one day my friend, We won't give shit about those things that much anymore,
I was the one who couldn't even control my emotion,
and You can be the biggest self-centered narsisstic bitch,
but who cares?
I love you just the way you are.

and our songs, 
the one we used to hum and sing,
on the streets, the room of the karaoke bar,
one day,
they'll all sing those songs.

I won't cry, 
because I have to be the one who hands you a tissue and help you wipe your tears,
I won't break,
because I have to be the one who holds your hand and help you up, when you're falling.
I won't tell you when I feel bad,
because I have to make you feel better.

If they laughed at us, and tell how stupid We're,
they just don't understand,
and yes, my friend, We're stupid,
for We're young,
and they'll do exactly what we did, at their time, when they feel like they've find the right people.

and in the end my friend,
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
but I don't know how.
I guess, I'll just left it unspoken,
because there are some things those words can't say,
what's important is,
you know who you are,
and how you meant a lot to me.

To find another you, it's impossible,
but it's not the reason why I stop trying,
I just don't want to find another you, you're more than enough for me.

the time's come my friend,
I don't know what'll happen next,
but what I'm sure,
it's going to be great,

I won't wish you good luck,
cause you don't need any,
You're just great the way you are,
and I love it that way.

no soon before late,
I won't say goodbye,
I'll just say,

Til we meet again!
where, when? Who knows?
You tell me! :)

See you when I see you!

30 June 2009 at 02:16

in DYC room, with love and no tears.

notes to good old times : about the last days and words never said..

Did you remember my friend, how we used to know each other?
we were young that day, reckless,
know nothing,
but we were proud,
and only God knows why we can survive.

you and me, my friend,
we were two, very different people,
with our ego we wanted to prove ourself to the world.
what's the same,
the blood's rushing in our veins,
boiling and screaming out,

that day,
we weren't sure what we're,
we didn't want anything else,
we just wanna be that someone on tv,

We're sure,
that day,
someday,
we'll have everything,
and life'll get boring,
we didn't want to grow up.

what we wanna do,
run and run as far as we can,
through the wind blows, 
til the sun goes down.

we cared too much of what people think we were,
how we want to be different,
how they defined "cool", and how we're not.

and now my dear friend,
on the last days of mine,

when i don't care anymore about blue and grey,
life to me is just black and white,
blurry, shading,
inside i still remember how i missed that time,
how i missed you,

the one i had to share my ice cream with,
the one who cooked her pasta meatless, just because im a vegetarian,
who called up in the middle of the night, 
or early in the morning,
nobody did that to me before,
and you just did.

do you remember that day we used to walk along the road,
and dance under the foggy night, when there weren't stars and we could barely see the sky?

I do.

do you remember the taste of the kiss when we were young and drunk?

we were happy that time.

at least we thought we do.

and now again my friend,
on my last days,

I know I'm gonna miss you so much the day i won't wake up tomorrow,
and If only i could went back through time,

I would just dye my hair purple,
I would have my nose pierced,
or get a tattoo,
I wouldn't be scared to face the world alone,
cause i know even that day,
I'm sure,
you wouldn't stand behind me, 
you wouldn't give me supports and strength to do those things,
you would do those things together with me.
you'd hold my hand, and laugh with me together when we look at the mirror,
and seeing ourself as a purple head piercing tattoo monster,
we would just grab a drink, and get high, get over today, and tomorrow gets its own worries.

for whatever it is,
just I know I'm not alone.
It's what matters.

and now my friend,
for my time almost come,
I'll tell you something,

I couldn't go back through time,
and whatever happens in our old days,
I couldn't rewind,

and even if i could,
i wouldn't,
for i'm grateful i knew someone like you,
and for everything we've been through,
i'm happy we went through them together,

and now my time has come, my friend,
i'll say so long,

and...

*I woke up*


Wednesday, June 24th 2009,
beyond my contemplation and a cup of tea,
to my dearest friends and our good ol days,

love,
Shasta Klara Kristi :)

about feeling alone in this big bad world and finding the right one.

Have you ever feel like nobody understand you?

like nobody cares, and you're all alone by yourself,
no one to talks to when you're having a breakdown,
no one stand by your side when everyone's against you?

I did.

Everyone around me seemed to have their own friends,
clique, flique, BFF, wingman, or whatsoever we named them.

They have the shoulders to cry on,
They know whom to call in the middle of the night when they want to,
They're sure who'll stand exactly on their side, whenever they have problems,
They know who's walking in their shoes, who's seeing things in their way.

I want it that bad, til tonight,
things don't go as I thought they were.

The BFFs turning to be the biggest enemy of yours,
since they know all your secrets,
They seemed to support you in front, and stab you right after you turn your back.
The cliques and fliques, only God knows why when suddenly you don't fit in,
They talk about how they hate the others in front of you, and when you realize,
it's too late to know that they talk exactly the same about you.
The wingman, ones who's supposed to support you to fly,
takes you down and drag you fall.

It might be way too cynical, but don't pretend it's not true.
the facts that your closest friend, who goes out shopping with you today,
who hands you coffee in the morning, who tells you the things you wanna hear,
the latest gossips, the most happening things around, who're agree to you about the girl you hate in high school, or how charming your latest crush is,
they're just not the right person.

that shoulders to cry on, laugh at you,
the smiles and symphaties, just as fake as their makeups,
though they're beautiful, they're just not real.

I turned my back once in a while,
rewind the story in my memories,

when there's one,
who believes in me, when nobody else does,
who cares even just to say thanks, when everybody turns their back,
who seemed to be the person who tells everything i don't want to hear,
just because it's truth,
who seemed to be ignorant about my problem, when everybody ask about it,
the truth is, they all don't really care that much, they're just laughing about it,
meanwhile the one i know, only waiting for the right time for me to tell, 

the one who didn't judge,
the one who didn't lie,
nor pretend,

the one who's not always appear,
the one who seems never care,
the one whom i never thought of,

and now will be,
the one I know I'm gonna miss so much,
just because that one knows how to say it and make me feels right,
and believe in myself, when nobody else does.

I don't need a clique, nor the biggest BFFs who are just a cliche masquerade of a publicity stunt,
the one all i need, the right one.

:)

footnote: 
thanks for taking me seriously, believing in my future, and what i'm doing, when everybody think it's just a joke.
thanks for caring and mind to say something when everybody just don't care.

"True friends are like stars, though they don't always appear, we know they're always there, and they exist."

you know who you are.
and just so you know, you mean a lot to me.

22 June 2009 at 23:43

in my DYC apartment room,

dedicated to my wingman :)